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achoo!

Saturday, July 10, 2004

whoa, i haven't checked out people's pages in a long, long time! how is everybody doing? how come half of you haven't called me lately? sheesh! :p

i got this from alex's page... sorry for stealing this, but i had to put it up!

to everybody who goes/went to queens:

"Ahh the lovely month of July. When a young man's mind turns to thoughts of love and preregistration. Is there any greater joy than waking up at the crack of dawn (literally if you live on the west coast), bounding down the stairs in joyous anticipation of an academic future, and breezily breezing though the excellent and courteous service that is QCARD? Well, some might say they would prefer stab their eyes out with rusty spoons, others with rusty forks, but I, I would not give up the sisyphean joys of QCARD for any other form of medieval torture. Ahh yes, I can feel my blood pressure rising delightfully at the thought of it. The "This Page Cannot Be Displayed" screens. The ambiguous red herring buttons. The constant and fruitless attempts to log on. It's enough to make you want to slam a semi packed with explosives into Richardson Hall in appreciation! But seriously folks, QCARD is not all fun and games. There's an important message behind all the mindless cruelty, and it has to do with the very spirit of Queen's:

the administration fucking hates you.

Yes, yes, those little rascals, too coy to say it outright, instead they delight in tormenting us with byzantine registration processes and irrational error messages. But no doubt it's a love-hate relationship- they hate us, but they love our money. This brings me to another good point, if QCARD should be getting you down: remember, it's all being paid for with your student fees. Feel better? Just in case that didn't work for you, I have prepared a foolproof, step-by-step guide to succeeding with QCARD. Now, simply load the initial page at http://www.qcard.queensu.ca/. Good, now click on Log in to QCARD. Now. what. cannot find server. okay, okay, remain calm, simply close the window and click again. and again. try it once more. hmm again (30 minutes later). ahh, here we are, the QCARD main page. See, no problem. Now, be very careful. A single wrong click of the mouse could plunge you back into "cannot find server" purgatory. Ignore the ridiculously misleading options like "ADD/DROP Courses", "Course Offerings", or "Timetable", and click on preregistration. there we go, see no problem. Now hit "Enter Course Requests." Then, simply type in your desired courses, the ones you picked arbitrarily on the basis of timetables and you wanting to sleep in. Now hit "update" and presto, no prob. what's this? I haven't taken the prerequisites??? But, but, I'm a fucking third year politics major! It's a 200 level course! What the fu. okay, okay, hahaha, calm down. Must be some sort of administrative error. Now, we simply hit the "course requests" button, being careful not to mash the mouse button into the desk in rage. Then we'll. "cannot find server". what. no. no!! Go back! Go back!! &%$%*!!! [expletives deleted out]

Alright, we're going to take a short break, and answer some frequently asked questions. Alli, majoring in Phys Ed., asks: "Why does QCARD feel the need to exacerbate my already miserable existence?" Well Alli, like I said before, the administration hates you, so the more miserable your existence, the more glee they'll undoubtedly get out of tormenting you. Chris, in Engineering, writes. "After 6 straight hours on QCARD, I finally realised I had lost my belief in God and a just world." Well Chris, that's not really a question, but I'll answer it anyway. God works in mysterious ways my friend, mysterious ways. Plus I think His attitude towards us is similar to the administration's. Jeff, in Nursing, asks. "QCARD doesn't seem to be responding to my cries of rage and tearful pleading. What should I do next?" Obviously, Jeff, if verbal communication is not working for you, the next solution must be physical violence.

Well, that's all the time I have for now folks. I have to go ritualistically sacrifice a small child in hopes of appeasing the mighty god Morgor, lord of the QCARD. He demands human suffering. Sincerely, Yours truly, Matt Aikins."

i especially sympathise with the rusty spoon/fork thing. anyway, hope all you guys got into your classes! say hi to qcard for me!

posted @ 1:17:00 p.m.

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you are now exiting tiffanyville.