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Monday, June 19, 2006

oh, if only i hadn't been born with this accursed propensity towards all-out bawling...

hey, do you guys remember that old syndicated simpson's episode "girly edition"? it's the one where lisa becomes an anchor for "kidz newz", but then bart comes out with a human interest segment called "bart's people" after hearing lisa call him stupid. this tv segment, full of schmaltzy springfield sob stories (heh, alliteration!), becomes immensely popular (much to lisa's chagrin) and even tugs on the heartstrings of the "kidz newz" tv exec. she says [quoting from very fuzzy memory], "bart, if i could cry, here's where the tears would be coming from. but i can't. botched eye job."

this scene has been on my mind for a long, long time. after all these weddings, various sundries, and a lifetime of welling up embarassingly, i kind of find the idea of botched plastic surgery appealing. no, not the terrifying michael jackson aspect, but i honestly wouldn't mind letting the ol' lacrimal ducts rust up a little from disuse. seriously, man, i cry when i'm happy, i cry when i'm really really really pissed off, i cry when i'm channel surfing and come across a "touching scene" on a show i've never seen before with characters on whom i have no backstory knowledge, i cry when i'm overcome with a flood of emotion and am having difficulty expressing myself with words. oh yeah, i also cry when i'm sad. it's congenital - i've always, always been this way, much to my parents' exasperation. it's not that i don't want to feel things as deeply or strongly, i just don't always want the proof of my emotions exhibited all over my face. it's exhausting and embarassing, even if it is over something happy or trivial - it's especially embarassing when it's something trivial, like a movie ending. i hate it. i hate being angry and being unable to glare at the offending person b/c of the tears obscuring my eyesight, powerless to do anything else. i hate that choked-up feeling i get when i'm trying to speak about something dear to my heart, but nothing can come out except for a few strangled words. (i've been having this recurring nightmare where, on the day i finally get married, i'm unable to function on account of the torrential downpour from my tear ducts - i can't say my vows, make any speeches, or even receive people afterwards and i'll look like hell in all the pictures.) i hate the feelings of consternation and helplessness that i feel when i try to struggle against the tears welling up in my eyes - it's always a losing battle. i hate sniffling and having to blow my nose every five seconds b/c it's so stuffed up. i hate the hushed tones and concerned faces from people when they can tell i've been crying, no matter how hard i try to cover it up - in some people i appreciate it, but i can't tolerate it in near-strangers. i hate the puffy eyes that unfailingly show up the morning after. (actually, on second thought, i don't hate the puffy eyes thaaat much. after they de-puff and settle down a bit (i.e. when i look less alien-like), there's the novelty of having folded eyelids. heh.)

i know i should be grateful that God has blessed me with the gift of feeling so deeply... but sometimes i can't help but wish i resembled a congenitally leaky faucet less.

posted @ 3:24:00 a.m.

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