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Wednesday, January 21, 2004

ok, so in between working, i was watching this broadcast of a beauty pageant in chinese. dear Lord, let me just say that you haven't understood the meaning of the word "terrible" until you've listened to (and seen) chinese rap. just awful. and those sappy love ballads that they're so fond of aren't any better either. oh, and the pageant? pardon the language, but hil-freakin'-arious! honestly, chinese people really do enjoy their campiness! (just watch any of their game shows for two seconds!) anyhow, while i still do feel a twinge of jealousy towards these incredibly poised (and photogenic!) girls with impeccable chinese diction, i found the pageant rather humanizing - i realised how nerve-wracked and normal these girls really were (albeit, more "genetically blessed" in some ways... haha). plus, it was pretty amazing to see how long they could plaster those incredibly fake smiles across their faces... honestly! not THAT is a feat, ladies and gentlemen! that alone (along with their numerous accomplishments and talents...) deserves accolades! that is why, sadly, i could never be in a pageant (besides the fact that NOBODY would want to see me in a bathing suit and that i'd circular talk my way through the interview sections - hey, could that be my talent?)... my dad always did say that people could instantly tell how i was feeling by looking at my face - i don't think i'd be able to keep the smile on all night.

speaking of smiles, i can't quite decide if i should be smiling or not. correction, if i want to be or not. i'm not talking about the actual, physical smile here... so yeah, have been thinking about this "singleness" plague of mine, and been wondering if this is really a plague or not... i can't decide if i should continue on this bandwagon of "i want a boy" (baldly said, it really does sound ghastly and desperate to me), or if i should revel in my lacking-of-guyness. b/c as much as i want to meet a guy right now, i think i'd rather just wait for the right guy. mind you, that's always been the way i've operated. i've never before jumped into (or rejected) any relationship (or quasi-relationship) without a lot of deliberation and true feeling behind it. unfortunately, my caution could still use some work, as i found out recently. hahaha. but yeah, i've never casually dated before, and i still feel strongly against going out with someone for the sake of a relationship, so why should now be any different from before? what's with this sudden urge of mine to just go out and "snag" me a guy?

several reasons, i think. one major one is the fact that too many of my friends are hooked up. JEEZE! i'm like the septuple wheel or something! it gets pretty irritating, let me tell you, when everybody else starts going into their pairs while i'm just standing there, twiddling my thumbs... ok, not really, but still. it seems like everyone's half of a couple. (a couple of what? hahaha.) it gets a little annoying, and a little depressing at times... not to mention, it would be nice to have someone to brave the kingston cold for me and escort me everywhere/anywhere/anytime while carrying whatever bags/heavy objects in my possession... {cough cough nick and rob} :p

then i think there's that whole one-upsmanship factor. you know what i'm talking about. why do we always have to find another person first before our ex does? even if we're over the guy, why do we (or maybe it's just me?) feel bad when they find another person first? i mean, honestly, why do i always end up caring and getting upset? somewhere, somehow i've got this notion in my head that i'm easily replaceable and that i'm pathetic b/c i can't find another guy. but you know what? that's absolute nonsense! instead of thinking that i'm the pathetic one, it should be the other way around. i don't have to have a guy in order for me to feel good about myself, or to fill any "vacuums" in my life. i don't need to date anyone. if so-and-so has found another person to make him happy, that's great - more power to him. but for me personally, i want to wait for God to bring the right person to me, and i know he's going to be worth the wait. why invest my time and emotion in relationships that won't last? in the end, i'll just be giving a little more of my heart away each time - something i'd rather give wholeheartedly to the right guy. and as much as i hate to admit it, i still don't think i'm really ready. i'm not the person that i want to be yet - i still need to strengthen and grow in my faith, maturity, and outlook... i need self-assurance, patience, and drive.... i've got to figure out what God wants, what i want, and if they're the same thing. i want to develop admirable qualities, not detestable ones. haha, i need to focus on the apex of the "triangle" instead of the advancing sides...

anyhow, those motivations are the wrong reasons. haha, i just wanted somebody to play the role of "warm body"... :p

anyways, i believe i've just made up my mind which option to choose. to opt to revel. :)

note: ok, i can't tell whether what i wrote is coherant and makes some semblance of sense... i started writing it at 2am (even though i had an 8:30 in the morning...), and then added some stuff later on in the day... so i apologise if it's shoddily written.

posted @ 3:00:00 a.m.

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