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Thursday, September 11, 2003

NOTE : this was the first blog that i ever actually debated whether or not i should post it. i don't know why. certain people probably won't like what it says or think that i shouldn't have posted it for everybody else to see... not that i've written anything bad about anyone here, it's just really personal. unformed thoughts written out. but fuck it, i've always prided myself on being honest on this thing. now that i've written it out, i feel better. just so you know, i only really write in this thing when i'm agitated or want to keep a record of the things i did in my day... so don't take it as a full representation of how i normally feel/am like just because all my posts seem to be angst-y. wait... what was that psych term for that again? oh well, i'll just use a stats term: sampling error! haha! oooh, on a different note, am going to a dinner party (or lakeside picnic?) in half-an-hour! yay! looking forward to it. potluck dinner tommorrow night too.

time has passed. i'm of more sane and so-called rested mind. i examined how i felt and realised that i'm no more coherant than i was the night before. the conversation box has still stayed open, unanswered, where i left it last.

conflicting thoughts. an impasse in my mind.

i promised we'd always be friends and i always mean what i say. i don't wish you any ill will, and yet, i don't want anything to do with you. not right now. i mean that too. not just you, but everything. i'm sick to death with it. moving on is hard when it's always staring at you in the face. i want to be left alone. but i don't want to shut you completely out of my life, either. i want to be the happy person that i normally am when i don't have to deal with this junk. i wish things were like they were before way, but too much has passed for things to be that way anymore. i've forgiven, but not forgotten. i want you to be happy, i'm glad that you were, and i'm still praying that you'll find what you're looking for in God again. my heart has recovered, but my confidence has been shaken. and my own pride and respect for myself... we're still friends, but that seed of distrust has been planted. i don't even know if i can trust other people's words so easily as well. i want to be a good christian, a good friend, but i'm afraid that i'm failing at both... i'm sorry. i know that you don't understand me... my thoughts conflict, i feel stupid... so where does that leave us?

i know i'm not making things easy for you. i know you probably don't know if you should respond. or how to respond. i don't know myself. i know that this is just a big cop-out for me since i haven't replied. somehow i need piece of mind... just lie to me.

posted @ 6:40:00 p.m.

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you are now exiting tiffanyville.