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Sunday, August 31, 2003

read the last three posts first in order to get what i'm talking about (though i still am delightfully vague... mwahahahaa!):

so my first reaction last night was to be: a) hurt, and b) angry at him. but then i realised i couldn't be either, because it's not my heart that hurts. heh. kinda funny if you think about it... me, an extremely overemotional girl, found something even stronger than my already strong affections: pride. i never knew i was so proud, superficial, and surprisingly earthly (who knew i was like that? i sure as hell didn't!), but there we go! haha. but yeah, woke up this morning after a good night's sleep and my mind went to last night's conversation... immediately my face had a bemused and/or sheepish grin on it, because i realised that i'm so totally full o-- well, you get the point.

i can't be mad at him for that stuff (though other stuff, probably yes), because first off, i felt the same way earlier on as well (remember what i said at my house the day after the eaton centre/ago thing?), but ignored it and got too preoccupied with other things, so if we had spent more time together, it would have come back anyway. now that i think about it, i was right in the beginning - we're just too different in that respect - it wouldn't have worked. i don't think i would have grown at all, especially spiritually (most importantly). see, this is what happens when you abandon reason and ignore your gut feelings... sigh. on the plus side, atleast i don't feel so bad for thinking this now (as opposed to before... i felt like i was a bad person for thinking those niggling thoughts). and secondly, i've been in his shoes before with somebody else... which is why i can see how it's not a direct hit against me. if anything, it's me hitting myself for assuming that everybody's in love with me (at the same time, how could i not assume that?) ;) i think it just hurts because i'm used to being the in position where i had the "power" to break hearts and someone crossed paths with me unscathed. i want scorch marks, dammit!

must pull out my psych textbook... was this a case of transference or projection?

and so, hopefully, all things will be right with the world again... we'll be friends again, tentatively? as long as i can get over myself, and he can get over himself (honestly, boy, you are not the end all and be all!) and his other issues. hopefully. because i just miss the banter that we had before, the good and fun conversations (all of that emotional crap gets on your nerves if it's there constantly, sometimes you need just need a good laugh). so here's to a summer that's been full of growing and learning... even though i am where i was before (and prolly a little worse off, mind you), i can't say things were a total waste, nor can i say that i wish it all had never happened (though i wish things had come about in a different manner) because God taught me so much from it. it's been a painfully long lesson, but thank You!

anyway, so waiting now to see if he'll try to salvage the friendship by trying to talk. i tried to do it before, but i refuse to be the initiator anymore. hey, if our friendship is important and worthwhile, it'll all work out, so i'm not worried.

posted @ 10:27:00 a.m.

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