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achoo!

Sunday, August 10, 2003

caution: rant below (please skip to the next post if you have no interest in reading self-indulgent, self-centered writings)

pang, noun

1. A sudden sharp spasm of pain.

2. A sudden sharp feeling of emotional distress.

it may be fleeting, but it was still there...

oh well, at least i've got danny ;)

i swear, this is all my "bad karma" coming back to bite me in the ass (to put it eloquently). i callously (but not intentionally) break one person's heart, and the same thing happens to me... damn. but maybe i deserve all this, i was such a jerk before. i don't know... he was so wrong about me, though - me, perfect? with paragons like that, no wonder i screwed him up for so many years.... but at least things are now great with him these days. i don't think things will be fine with the other guy for a long, long time... fucker. (ooops, i didn't just say that...)

i'm trying to keep contact to a bare minimum right now, even though this goes against everything else i feel/think. sheesh. all i want to do is just yell at him and ask him why he's acting like such a loser. but no, i'm the paragon of restraint - no initiating any communication b/c i don't want to "rush" or "crowd" him. why is it that i always try to do things in his best interest - even if it's not the best for me, when he doesn't give the same courtesy to me? damn self-centered bastard. and sadly, i don't even get the luxury of being mad at him anymore. this isn't even anger, it's now more-or-less acceptance (with more than a little tinge of bitterness). so we're still friends? yeah right! how can you be friends when you don't want to talk? or spend time together? how can a person change so much in a few months? it's sad, all i want to hear are those three words that he used to say all the time: i miss you. and i don't even mean in that other way either, but for me as a person. a friend. b/c i'd like to think i'm a person worth knowing. and to think that it used to bother me when he said it... well, it looks like you lied, mr "i am being honest!!!" whatever. you know, i'd rather just drop the label of being friends and just not be anything, since that's what we are (am i confusing anyone yet?). i've no interest in fake pleasantries.

whoa whoa whoa! danny just called! very unexpected!
dude, i would have said hi if i had seen you!

posted @ 9:49:00 p.m.

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